“”It was wrong for me ever to deny she was my daughter and hopefully one day, when she understands, she will forgive me. I have been providing financial support for Quinn and have reached an agreement with her mother to continue providing support in the future. To all those I have disappointed and hurt these words will never be enough, but I am truly sorry.”
Being that it took two years, a National Enquirer story, pages and pages of media scrutiny, a flaming explosion of a failed Presidential run, and a book by his cancer-stricken wife to grow a pair of confessatorial balls, this stale public admittance almost makes me despise him more.
I really hope this time frame does not start a trend. Wake me in 2010 to see the Tiger Woods Comes Clean video on America’s most wholesome morning show.
But what’s even more despicable than the clock ticking by on your indiscretion? John is avoiding the whole pr and pap cluster fuck by being in Haiti today. Now Haiti needs people there helping, but a man running from his demons to shake his hands and flash them his nice bright smile, isn’t gonna do much to save the country. That plane ticket should’ve gone to a doctor or at least been to a different place.
Thank god for Glamour and their sexy medical sex advice. According to this handy graph perfect for alarmists, germaphobes, and dudes who just want to hit it from behind but can’t get their girlfriend to say yes, missionary sex is way risky and just like licking a subway pole or hanging out with a bunch of kids in Mexico. Print this out and put it on your fridge or hand it to your boyfriend when he asks why your pulling a Pretty Woman rule and not kissing him.
Let’s just hope I don’t hurt my neck turning around during the reverse cowgirl to blow a kiss at my lover. Better yet, I’ll just wear a face mask and encase myself in Saran wrap. Or, there is always the full body condom.
On a side note: Props to Glamour for promoting the terrorist fist bump/jab. I’m expecting a drop in subscription from their Republican readers.
November 23, 2009, 10:40 pm Posted by: Lark · Comments Off · Uncategorized
Those of you who read science things or have had the unfortunate experience of seeing the second Dan Brown/Tom Hanks flick Angels and Demons are probably familiar with the Hadron Collider. Located outside of Geneva, it’s a $9 billion, 17 mile racetrack like structure that shoots a bunch of beams of protons back and forth to make particles collide in order to recreate forces and particles that happened during the Big Bang.
It’s purpose is to help sceintist understand the elements of nature better and has been described as a “Time machine to look back to the earliest moments of creation and to be able to explain the present state of the universe and to predict its fate.”
Today, it was announced that the contraption had succeeded in making the beams collide, producing a “candidate collision events.”
Pretty cool, huh? But wait a second…the collider also has the potential to create black holes and some smart people think that this is a bad idea, since we really have never been close enough to a black hole to know its effects. It could, in the worst case scenario, swallow the earth like a fat man takes down a twinkie.
Have you heard?!?!? Adam Lambert, who is gay or not gay and hasn’t or maybe has said he’s gay but is totes into dudes, grabbed his no-no part last night and shoved a guys head there while gyrating and then made out with someone on America’s family network ABC and it’s all the Internet can talk about today (in between panting over New Moon) and OMG OMG! Which is crazy and scandalous and all that and oh no, but didn’t Britney Spears already do this exact same number?
Being that we all saw what happened to her, lets hope someone keeps a close eye on Adam and doesn’t let him anywhere near Kevin Federline or a bag of Cheetos.
In the above video of a Palin book signing, a reporter interviews some fans who are (no judgement) most likely undereducated and have an anti-Obama agenda because black people are scary and constantly making ridiculous rap videos with cars, blingbling and ba-dunk-a-dunk.
When asked why they favor Sarah, the general answers were because she has a vagina, and is “real,” unlike our current President who is merely a robot from the Muslim Nation. When asked about her policy, almost no one could give an answer. Which, is actually pretty expected since she has no real stance on any issues except that killing wolves from an aerial plan is pretty gosh darn awesome.
One of them did like the tag line Drill Baby Drill, however, and I will give props to the guy at 5:05 who states, “The state that she did govern was right across the street from Russia and I’m not saying that she’s ever had to deal with Russia, but I’m sure she had boundary issues she’s had to deal with. Like, we’ve got boundary issues in Mexico right now.” [Read more →]
Chris Buttars, the dude who sponsored the ban on gay marriage and hater of black babies, totally pulled a Tobias Funke. Above, when discussing all the fabulous hot pink ruckus the gays are making as they take their new Broadway play Equal Rights for All to the streets, he says “I meet with the gays here and there. They were in my house two weeks ago. I don’t mind gays. But I don’t want ‘em stuffing it down my throat all the time. Certainly not in my kid’s face.”
Got that gays? Just not in the face. Get creative!
November 17, 2009, 4:49 pm Posted by: Lark · No Comments · Sex
My review in two sentences: Looks hot. I’d hit it.
Sadly, there will be no shots of his hockey stick. “We’re thrilled with the photos we got, and are confident people will love them,” said a magazine spokesman. But “although there may be glimpses, we did not get full on frontal nudity.”
This year Old Navy and Bannana Republic would like to bring you some nondenominational wishes. Gap had some trouble deciding on a specific holiday, so hit them all with cheerleaders (Cheer=cheer, get it?) chanting “Go Christmas, Go Hanukkah, Go Kwanzaa, Go Solstice.” And what can you say to that except, god damn consumer brands and their fully inclusive, religion-neutral holiday wishes! (Also-why does Gap consistently make ads that make people want to shoot themselves in the face and jump off tall buildings? They seriously work just like this. But…we’ll tackle that mystery later. On to important things!)
Don’t these brands know that Christmas is the most buy happy holiday of them all? Sure Hanuka has eight days of presents, but Solstice gets nada. None, zero, no cash flashed for khaki pants and striped, bright colored scarves. These brands should be giving credit where credit is due. Namely, to Christmas.
It’s obviously an outrage! But thank the big JC for The American Family Association. They are on top of this deep, dark scandal of wholesome, conservative clothing brands to ruin Christmas by pulling apart the very Christian foundation of this one nation under God we call America. Their solution is simple: Put them on the naughty list and boycott! Just do it. When little Billy cries because all he wanted was a green polo from Old Navy and maybe a stuffed animal of mascot dog Magic, tell him that he wasn’t allowed because that dog hates Santa Claus and mommy and daddy are insane. Next, get him to bible camp stat, because little Billy is going to grow up and become gay.
If you are a certifiable anti-Semite, anti-Kwanza, anti-paganist, or just a general hateful bigot, you can sign the boycott petition here. Merry fucking Chistmahanukwanzinondenominationalfestivis.
OMG, this is fantastic.* Sarah Palin’s Memoir ‘I Wear Rouge: An Idiot’s Guide To Taking Down A Campaign and Looking Fantastic!” (written by Lynn Vincent) doesn’t hit shelves till next Tuesday, but the AP has already got a copy and released some excerpts because they are The Media and must do Evil Things like report on news.
The excerpts and seeming general tone of the book are pretty much what you would expect: The liberal media hates her because she loves Jesus and values, John McCain hates her because he’s bitter and old and forgot to take his grandpa pills, and she is totally folksy and all about her family except the baby daddy of her daughter’s bastard child, penis shower Levi Johnston, who is not mentioned once.
So blah blah, heard it before, put it on repeat, blah, moose is good for you. But this is new and entertaining: Palin gave Katie Couric an interview because she was told the lady news anchor had low self esteem. According to the AP, “The idea to meet with Couric came from McCain campaign aide Nicolle Wallace, who told Palin that Couric — also a working mother — liked and admired her. It would be a favor to Couric, too, whom Palin notes had the lowest ratings of the network anchors.”
Disgraced head of hair and former governor, Rod Blagojevich, is making the rounds in New York to promote his new memoir, the awesomely unhumble and egotistical, “The Governor: Finally, the Truth Behind the Political Scandal That Continues to Rock the Nation.”
His reception in the Big Apple, home of such greats as Bernie Madoff and Madonna, has, in his opinion, been all warm and huggy. “People seem to like me here,” he tells the New Yorker. “No ‘F you!’ or ‘Yo, F off!’ like you get some places. Maybe I should be a New Yorker.”
Keeping me alive this Friday afternoon are Philadelphia Grand Jury. This Australian three-piece is not on itunes, but you can find them on MySpace. As evidenced above, they rock.
Being that I live in NY and have to deal with the bridge and tunnel crowd on the weekends, it is my sworn right to dis on the grand ol’ Garden State. But even if I was posted in the Midwest, they have it coming on this one:
A new Public Policy Polling survey of Jersey residents shows that “Twenty-one percent of all respondents thought Obama was not born in the United States; eight percent thought he was the anti-Christ.”
But that’s not all, eighteen percent of self-described conservatives thought Obama was Satan incarnate and 17 percent weren’t sure.”
Though not included, it can only be assumed that those seventeen percent were torn on whether he is a secret unicorn, an alien, or does not exist at all.
This includes sex, profanity, an animal, and complete nonsense. It could be the best on-air goof of all time.
Ernie Anastos: “It takes a tough man to make a tender forecast, Nick.”
Weatherman Nick Gregory: “I guess that’s me!”
Ernie Anastos: “Keep fucking that chicken, HAHAHA!”
First off: Thank you and I love you. Those of you who read this site have been loyal since the beggining and have traveled with us from www.meaningfuldistractions.wordpress. It’s been nice on the new site (this one), but after several months we’re going back to the place of our birth.
This was a hard decision for me and one that took a long time. I like the way this site looks and it appears more legitimate. However, it does not show up in Google even after all these months. We do not have the funds or man power to really launch this thing and get it the attention it deserves. Since we put a lot of love and time into it, we’d like the most people possible to see it and the wordpress.com shows up higher in Google.
The biggest concern though with the move, was pissing all of you off with yet another upheaval of rebookmarking and just being confused. If you have objections or thoughts, please email me at meaningfuldistractions@gmail.com. We hope that you’ll continue to follow us despite our gypsy-like nature. Consider this like a marriage (imagine me on one knee)-when you first met the person of your dreams they looked great and then suddenly, somewhere down the road, you open your eyes and they just don’t look that good anymore, maybe they’ve gone bald or grown a beer belly or their breast are kind of sagging. Yet, the substance is the same and you still stick with them because you love them. Right?
LIFE has just released never before seen photos of a 24 year old Marilyn. The negatives were discovered as the mag continues its quest to put every photo ever taken in its digital archives. At the time, the lighting and printing was felt to be off so they were never published, but they are gorgeous. Click here to view all 18 shots.
