This year Old Navy and Bannana Republic would like to bring you some nondenominational wishes. Gap had some trouble deciding on a specific holiday, so  hit them all with cheerleaders (Cheer=cheer, get it?) chanting “Go Christmas, Go Hanukkah, Go Kwanzaa, Go Solstice.” And what can you say to that except, god damn consumer brands and their fully inclusive, religion-neutral holiday wishes! (Also-why does Gap consistently make ads that make people want to shoot themselves in the face and jump off tall buildings? They seriously work just like this. But…we’ll tackle that mystery later. On to important things!)

Don’t these brands know that Christmas is the most buy happy holiday of them all? Sure Hanuka has eight days of presents, but Solstice gets nada. None, zero, no cash flashed for khaki pants and striped, bright colored scarves. These brands should be giving credit where credit is due. Namely, to Christmas.

It’s obviously an outrage! But thank the big JC for The American Family Association. They are on top of this deep, dark scandal of wholesome, conservative clothing brands to ruin Christmas by pulling apart the very Christian foundation of this one nation under God we call America. Their solution is simple: Put them on the naughty list and boycott! Just do it. When little Billy cries because all he wanted was a green polo from Old Navy and maybe a stuffed animal of mascot dog Magic, tell him that he wasn’t allowed because that dog hates Santa Claus and mommy and daddy are insane. Next, get him to bible camp stat, because little Billy is going to grow up and become gay.

If you are a certifiable anti-Semite, anti-Kwanza, anti-paganist, or just a general hateful bigot, you can sign the boycott petition here. Merry fucking Chistmahanukwanzinondenominationalfestivis.